Mandajuice

"Baby, I'm the bourgeoisie!"

Like always, the juiciest stuff happening in my life right now also happens to be stuff I'm not willing/able/ready to talk about yet. This time, it's BIG and it's affecting every crack and crevice of our existence and yet, it's still not bloggable. Nothing gives me writer's block faster than feeling a sick desperation to write about something and not being able to.  I promise to write about it - at length - as soon as I can.

(NO. I'm not pregnant.)

(NO. It's not about the book.)

(YES. We are all fine.)

Anyway, I need to find safe things to write about, like, say, Phineas and Ferb. I've pretty much stopped watching television, but every once in a while, I'll look up from whatever I'm reading to catch a song and dance number from Dr. Doofenshmirtz. It's hard to believe the people at DISNEY are coming up with this stuff, but they are. And it's fabulous.

This episode is one in which the space-time-continuum gets screwed up when Candice goes back in time and busts her brothers on the first day of summer, the day they built the giant roller coaster in the back yard. The future Dr. Doofenshmirtz ends up EMPEROR of the Tri-State Area. He names everyone Joe so he can remember their names and makes them all wear lab coats. It's chock full of The Awesome.

LYRICS:
It's been a charmed life,
Got all I ever wanted,
And I'm not too shy to flaunt it, you see.
It's been a sweet life,
Everyone is genuflectin'
And erecting giant statues of me.
It's like a great lunch with all you can eat,
And I can leave my wallet at home.
And everyone pays for me,
Because it's compulsory,
Or into the stocking there for 'em.
Still, I'm a nice guy.
How many emperors would always remember your name?
How ya doing, Joe?
I must admit, I
May take quite a lot,
But I'll always give you plenty of blame.
It's been a sweet ride.
Life's a bowl of cherries, and nobody's merrier than me.
Because, everyone else is a proletariat,
And baby I'm the bourgeoisie.
Look it up, Joe!
Baby, I'm the bourgeoisie!
Oh, yeah!

Better...

RE: MY MOOD.

I'm feeling better! I noticed the change in myself on Saturday morning when I went to an RWA (Romance Writer's of America) meeting. The moment I raised my hand and offered to organize a critique group where we can all meet once a month and read our sex scenes out loud, I knew I was back in my old skin again. THESE are my people. They cheered me right up.

RE: KINDERGARTEN

Alex loves it. But I can't even BEGIN to describe the intense burning hatred I have for the schedule. It is utterly ridiculous that 1) it changes every week and 2) we can't really work many other activities around it. It's awful and the kids are both bored out of their gourds every other day. It's almost enough to wish I could home school him. Almost.

RE: GRAVY MANUSCRIPT

I'm in the home stretch, just waiting for a few final editors/beta readers to get back to me. Then I'll be making one final pass through it myself and mailing my baby out to the first set of editors/agents who requested it. For a while I wavered and wondered about whether to send it to agents first and then the editors, but I've decided to rip off the band-aid and send it to everyone at once. Enough waiting! I've prolonged the agony of rejection for too long.

Not myself

For weeks now Dave has been bugging me to post photos from the air show. I keep telling him I will, but I haven't felt like writing much. For a while I thought maybe Twitter had killed my blogging mojo, but I've been noticing lately that my mojo seems to be missing from more than just my blog.

So here are the pictures from the air show! Dave can get off my back about it. When the condensation forms on the jets like that, it's so loud it can only be described as the sound of the whole sky ripping apart. I hope I get to live the rest of my life hearing that noise as the sound of freedom and never the opposite. It almost makes you feel sorry for the terrorists.

I realize I should probably TALK about my mojo and maybe try to figure out where it's disappeared to, but the second I come out and admit that I haven't been feeling like myself lately, everyone I know in real life starts acting all twitchy and wondering if I'm depressed.

And I'm not.

It's just that all I feel like doing is curling up on the couch with my Kindle and a cup of coffee. I don't feel like socializing much. Or cooking. Or keeping house. Or playing. Or interacting as much as I normally do with the kids. I barely even answer the phone unless I have to. It interrupts my reading. I'm just not brimming with my usual enthusiasm. My mile-a-minute mouth has slowed to a normal pace.

I feel like a regular person.

And sometimes, that almost feels like I'm not really here.

 

Which is STRANGE for me. I usually pride myself on being present in my own life. On being the kind of person who DOES things, instead of the kind of person who just lets life unfold around her. Not that I've been floating aimlessly around doing nothing.

Maybe that's it? Maybe it's just been a really big year for me.

Enormous.

This was the year I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up and maybe it's all starting to catch up with me. Maybe the past few weeks have been the post-novel version of December 26th. The hangover after the party.

I've hesitated to be honest about it, even with my own family, because I hate to whine and I HATE being fussed over or worried about. I'm NOT depressed. There isn't a backward or regretful or negative thought in my brain. If I'm lost in thought, I'm dwelling anxiously on the future. In a positive way. What comes next? What comes next? I know what I HOPE comes next. (I'm already writing a second novel.) But I don't know what actually comes next and maybe I just suck at waiting.

Whatever it is, I know I'll never get over myself if I don't write about it. So here I am. Writing about it. 

Hi, my name is Amanda and I don't feel like myself. I don't really know what to do about it. I'm not even sure anything needs to be done. It's not a problem. It's just...there. And it's different. And I'm trying to figure out the new me. Who knows? Maybe I'll end up liking her better than the original. Being the original me took a lot more work.

First day of Kindergarten

He had a great time as far as I can tell. I forgot how much easier it is to pull teeth than it is to get kids to talk about school until they're ready. I'm sure the stories will start falling out of his mouth when he least expects it.

Pausing for a quick snack break

Be back soon...