Mandajuice no more...

I still can't talk about this without getting teary-eyed, but it seems that I've weaned Genoa.  My last baby.  The last chubby little munchkin who will ever lift my shirt and say, "Milk peez!"  I realize it's a bit ridiculous because she is almost two and a half, but still.  Knowing I'll never nurse another baby fills me with a painfully nostalgic form of grief. 

I'll never have any more babies.

It's like a part of me has died.

Genoa was ready, though, and as much as I would've been willing to nurse her another six months or maybe even longer, it wasn't going to change the fact that I'm not having any more babies.  That she is no longer a baby.

I had that dental surgery on Tuesday and before they put me under, I asked the anesthesiologist how long I would have to wait before nursing the baby again.  He said I would be fine the next morning, but I decided to give it a full 24 hours just to make sure all the drugs were out of my system.  I was still too out of it to even put her to bed on Tuesday, so Dave did it and she didn't seem to miss the milk.  The next morning, I simply explained that the doctor told me I couldn't nurse her because of the medicine I had to take.  She didn't even fuss about it at all.  She just understood.

It was almost too easy.

After about 48 hours, I started to leak a tiny bit of milk.  I wasn't engorged or uncomfortable, but I worried I would be, so I decided to nurse her one. last. time.  It's so easy to remember the firsts, but I wanted to remember the last time I ever nursed a baby.  So on Thursday night, I explained to her that she could nurse before bed, but then we would be done with nursing.  Again, she seemed to understand.

We curled up together under her flamingo duvet and she twisted my hair around her fingers and nursed enthusiastically, occasionally popping her little face up to giggle and tell me she loved me.  I cried the whole time, of course.  I'm crying right now just thinking about it.  Since then she's asked me for milk maybe twice and understands when I tell her I don't have any left.  At bed time she tells me, "No more milk, but we can snuggle, Mama!"

She was ready. 

Sadly, I was not.

Comments

[laura]

OMG I'm crying my eyes out :( I'm pregnant with our last baby (3rd) and im already so emotional this is the last one..hugs go out to you :)

[Jamie]

Dude, I'M crying. You've had a rough week in all regards. Thinkin' boutcha.

[Brandy]

awww... that made me cry! I never thought I would look forward to nursing - in fact I have wondered if I would even nurse if and when I ever have a baby! :) I think you just changed my mind!

[Sally]

Gosh, I remember all of this as though it was yesterday rather than eight years ago. I breastfed both of my children and loved (almost!) every minute of it, my second child only stopped when he was four and even that seemed too early at the time!

[Rebecca]

HUGS! I got weepy the last time I nursed my daughter and I'm pretty sure that I will have more kids. Can't imagine how you are feeling.

[Amber]

It's so hard to admit they grow up.

[Nicole]

awww, how sweet! I totally feel your pain on the nursing, and the no more babies..
I am so not ready to just say 'I'm not having anymore' but my husband is.. makes me kinda sad!

[Callie]

I'm nursing my first baby right now, and I can't imagine what a wreck I will be when we're done. :(

[Janine]

Sending ((hugs)) your way. I have weaned two kids and they were always ready before me. We still plan on having a third sometime in the next two years and I know I will be a disaster when I know it's "the last time".

[bethany actually]

I'm glad Genoa was ready and isn't making it any harder for you.

[Jen]

Oh Manda. Having never been through any of this, I can't imagine how you're feeling, but it can't be a lot of fun. I hope you feel better soon.

(As an aside, when I read the title of this post, I PANICKED thinking you were quitting writing!)

Loveage xo

[Melissa]

Awww! Why'd you have to make a crazy pregnant lady cry? We're expecting our second (last) baby and my 15.5 month old is self weaning. I was just weeping about it yesterday and now I'm all worked up again. Shucks.

Hugs to you, Mama!

[Alias Mother]

The first two months of nursing were so awful for me that I remember thinking I'd never make it a year. Now we are almost there and I know that when the time comes, I'm going to feel exactly like you. All those people who told me to hang in there because I'd love it were totally right.

(Not saying that I'm going to wean at a year, it's just that having reached my goal, I know the end will come whenever the baby is ready.)

[Erin]

Aw.

I'm sorry that you're done nursing and done with babies.

I definitely think the "one last time" idea was a good one. I did the same thing when it came time to wean my second and made sure to really pay attention, to remember the feel of her in my arms and her happy gulps as she nursed.

[Ceece]

wow, this was intense.

I had to pump with both my babies and while I never really got to nurse them more than a couple of times, I still miss it. I miss feeding them the perfectness that I made. I did it for them.

What a wonderful idea the "last nursing" was.

:-)

[Steph]

Awww that made me tear up. My baby is 5 months and I love to nurse her. I know I'm going to be a wreck when its time for us to finish. It's hard to admit they grow up.

*hugs*

[Gennie]

I've read your blog to ages, and never commented. But I had do de-lurk to offer hugs and sympathy. I envy your beautiful last nursing memory. My son - also my last baby - went on a nursing strike at 10 months (due to 6 teeth coming in at once, and an ear infection). He nursed normally at 10pm ish, but when he went to nurse at 2 am-ish, he moved toward me as usual, but then immediately rolled away screaming, and never nursed again. I pumped for a month, and tried everything I, my local la leche league leader, and lactation consultant could think of. But after a week, he wasn't unhappy about it anymore, and never had any further interest in my breast. And apparently a mont of pumping wiht no nursing is the outer limit of my dedication to breastfeeding. But I'm still a little sad that I only got to nurse him for 10 months, and that it ended the way it did. He's 18 months old now, and it still makes me cry to write this.

[Sara]

Just before Ethan was 2, I had to go play war for three days away from him. I pumped while I was out there in a feeble attempt to be able to continue nursing when I got home. But it didn't work. When I told him, he just said, "ok. Can I have some juice den?" Broke my heart.

I still miss it. Occasionally he pokes my jugs and laughs as though he's remembering the good times he had as a baby. Maybe he's ust being a silly boy though.

It's so bittersweet when they grow up, huh?

[HeatherK]

My youngest is my last and he's just a year yet, but I know it will hit me pretty similarly when the time comes. You done good. Glad the last time was sweet if heartbreaking at the same time.

[1hot&tiredmama]

Oh, that is so hard! My youngest, who just turned 2, self-weaned at about 18 months and it has been so hard for me! This is baby number four and definitely our last. I have been either pregnant or nursing for the last 8 years (my oldest is 7) and it's really tough not to be either of those things right now. An era in my life is definitely over . . . :o(

[AmyH]

I am crying just reading this. I know others have said the same. I am currently nursing my last baby and the thought of the last time nursing makes my stomach hurt.

When my daughter was almost 1 she started to wean herself. I didn't understand it until the day after her first birthday when I took a preganancy test and learned that I was expecting our son. Apparently she knew before I did because the milk started to taste different.

Now that my son is 7 months old and that 1 year mark is just lingering out there I get sad every time I think about the last time.

You are right--nursing forever does not mean they are a baby still--but it is painful to think that this chapter of our lives are over.

Great post.

[Sara]

My mom and mom-in-law both think I'm nursing my first baby too long, and he's only just turned one! I can't imagine having weaned him sooner, and I know that I will miss it so much once he, too, has stopped needing mommy's milk for comfort. I can see it coming from here, but I'll let him decide. I'm in no hurry. I can only imagine how it feels to wean your last baby. Luckily, we have plans for two more, God willing.

[Sonja]

*sigh*

[Amanda]

I had a really hard time when I quit nursing too. I shed a tear after reading the post. It's so hard to explain to those who've never nursed (like men!) because they just don't understand. I'm glad that you didn't explain a thing because many of us do "get it."

Kudos for you for going 2.5 years! That's amazing, and you BOTH should be very proud of what you've given each other.

[Kendall's Mom]

In regards to the dumb ass mom with no car seats... she can get free car seats at the car seat clinic through SW Med center last saturday of each month. Also, anytime you see someone on the road sans car seats, you can call 1-800-BUCKLUP. Let them know the car make, color, model, and license plate number, what street they're on, headed what direction and they can pull them over. Incidently, even if you have car seats, it's a good idea to go to the free car seat clinic. Misuse is 80% (!!) and they show you how to install it and buckle it properly.