On anxiety

I hate to even write this post mainly because I don't want anyone to worry about me.  I swear, I'M FINE.  Seriously.  FINE.  Totally FINE. 

I just have this little problem where sometimes I can't quite fill my lungs all the way up with air.  Have you ever had that feeling?  Like you absolutely NEED a big deep cleansing breath and no matter how hard you try, you can't get one?  It's almost exactly the way a bladder infection feels, only it's your lungs.

The first time I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was in my twenties and I thought it was because I was getting too fat and I had somehow squashed my lungs.  It only ever happened while I was laying in bed at night and like almost everything that was ever wrong with me, I blamed it on my obesity.   I bought one of those pillows that helps you sleep sitting up and eventually it went away.

For years, it kept happening off and on.  I would lay in bed at night and feel like I couldn't breathe and the terrible part about it was that the harder I TRIED to breathe, the more I focused on my breathing, the worse it got.  I finally asked my doctor about it during the months leading up to my gastric bypass surgery.  I asked him if it would go away when I lost weight and he said, "Well, what you're describing is called ANXIETY.  It has nothing to do with your weight."

I was shocked. 

You see?  I am not a worrier.  I can't consciously recall the last time I was WORRIED about something.  (Wait, actually I can.  I was CRAZY WORRIED about Alex when he caught pneumonia and we had to go to the ER last year.  INSANELY WORRIED.)  But I'm not a person who wastes time worrying about ANYTHING.  Worrying doesn't do a DAMN BIT OF GOOD so it's something I never waste my mental energy on. 

Or so I thought.

At that first diagnosis, I just chocked it up to being nervous about the surgery.  That was logical.  That made sense.  If I was a character on Star Trek, I'd be Dr. Spock.  All logic.  This mental health business did. not. compute. 

After my surgery, it first seemed to get better.  But then it didn't.  I would still have weird episodes of late night breathing issues, but since I officially had a word for it, anxiety, I could usually figure out why I was feeling stressed.  I had a big project due at work.  I had a fight with Dave, etc.  And it would always blow over and I'd feel better.

Then Hello Surprise Pregnancy!  I felt like I spent half the nights of my pregnancy with Alex not being able to breathe for some reason or another.  I was actually worried about my weight and my health and my job and also worried, somewhat irrationally, that Dave would fall asleep while driving, get into an accident and I would have to go down and identify his body, thus being left to raise the baby alone.  All that rational logical VULCAN business? Yeah.  Not so much with that after I began growing a real life human inside me.

[Guess what I had an impossible time with?  LAMAZE breathing.  Didn't happen for me.  Any time I focus on my breathing, my anxiety magically appears.  Also why you'll probably never catch me in a Yoga class.]

And now that I have two kids, it seems my anxiety level has at least doubled.  Usually when I feel my breathing getting tight again, I can figure out why.  I can label it, work it out, move on.  It usually goes away within HOURS, not days.

But this summer, it seems to be getting worse.  If I could tell you WHY I can't breathe half the time, well, then I'd probably be able to breathe just fine.  This time I can't figure it out.  I'm happy.  Things are good in my life.  The rational side of my brain sees absolutely NOTHING wrong.  The Vulcan in me is A-Okay.

So then why can't I breathe?

I finally talked to my doctor about it yesterday.  His first suggestion was counseling and yeah, that's certainly an option.  I don't know why, but it's not one I'm fond of or even remotely interested in.  My mental health has always been solid.  I'm not even remotely depressed.  I don't have any issues.  I'm in a remarkably healthy long-term relationship with a man who I tell EVERYTHING.  Dave is my talk therapist, so I don't feel like I need another one.

The doctor, incidentally, also suggested that my anxiety might just have something to do with constantly being responsible for the needs of two small people all the time.  He and I were trying to talk and Genoa was pretty LOUDLY attempting to get my attention and he noticed.  And he might have a point there.  I rarely get a break.

Then he wrote me a prescription for Xanax, which is all fine and good and I'm not opposed to the idea of taking it when I really and truly can't breathe and it's interfering with my life.  But I can't take it while I'm nursing Genoa, which means I basically have an Rx for nothing.  I could do it, but I hate the idea of weaning my daughter just so I can pop a chill pill (literally).  The doctor WANTED to put me on Zoloft, since it prevents anxiety and is apparently safe for nursing, but it's an anti-depressant, a fairly strong one, and I'm SO not ready to go there.  I'm happy enough most of the time that I would worry an anti-depressant would cause me to have depression.

I asked my doctor if he thought exercise would help and that was a bandwagon he was enthusiastic to get on.  It could help.  And so instead of stopping at the pharmacy on my way home, I stopped off at the gym.  I checked it out, looked into the classes, and found out that they have a salt water pool.  Alex loved the play area (as usual, Genoa only lasted five minutes without me before she realized I was gone and started crying for me).  The weirdest part was answering the Gym Dudes' questions.  "What are your fitness goals?" 

Uh... Avoiding Xoloft?  Now that was an awkward conversation.  I just explained to him that I was perfectly happy with my body exactly as it is, but that I need to work out for stress relief.  I might be the only size 14 on earth who wants to spend time exercising but couldn't care less about the physical outcome of the endeavor.

And the funny thing is, I think it might work.  Never one to beat around the bush (I'm a do-er, not a thinker), I had Dave put the kids to bed last night and I ran off and used my free gym pass to go swimming.  I couldn't breathe all day and the evening was no better, so I figured there was no time like the present to see if exercise would help.

So I swam ten laps.  I exercised!  At 9:00 on a Friday night.  And it felt pretty good.  I think swimming could be a big help and the fact that the salt water pool didn't muck up my hair was a huge perk.  When I first got out of the pool, I felt like I was breathing better, feeling more relaxed and then while I was in the shower, I got that rushed feeling I often get when I leave the kids home with Dave and I worry that Genoa is screaming and I'll get home and he'll be all fed up and stressed out, etc, etc, etc.  It's ME, not him, but it was kind of an epiphany moment.  Maybe some of Dave's work stress is wearing off on me.  Maybe it really IS the kids.  Maybe taking a break every night and letting Dave take over for an hour while I go swimming is just the Rx I need. 

We'll see.

[But seriously, folks, I'm FINE.]

Comments

[Rhi]

Amanda, we may as well be the SAME PERSON.

I have the same breathing issue - and have always just freaked out about it and then, HELLO! full blown anxiety attack.

But, then the other night, we were getting ready for bed and I was about to freak out and Bill suggested something called Triangle Breathing - It's in for 3 counts, hold for 3, then out for 3. And, it worked. I hate it when he's right.

[Stacy]

Okay, I totally have the same breathing problem, but only occasionally. I never knew it could be anxiety, although that makes sense. Thanks

[whirled_peas]

I know everyone is different and I really hope the exercise works for you. However, I, too, have anxiety issues, and I am on Zoloft, and it has successfully taken the edge off. I still worry about stuff, but it's not as crippling as it used to be. I do not feel depressed, nor have I ever had depression. The Zoloft helps me.

Good luck to you! Good for you for helping yourself!

[Sam]

I think a nice mix of all these would probably help. First of all, it's great that you went to the doctor to get things checked out. He is right in that you have a lot on your plate. Think about it - even when you are relaxing, you like to entertain. That's a lot of work! Even if you LIKE it!

I try to get out of the house, alone, when I can - just for a few hours, about once a week. I know it's hard when you're still breastfeeding but I know that I *really* need my alone time, and so I try to take it. (Which means that I go to the bookstore, have a coffee, read a magazine. Grocery shopping alone does NOT COUNT! in my book.) I ask for it, and I don't feel bad about it. You shouldn't either! You work very hard to keep your house and your family running smoothly. And exercising being your alone time - that's amazing. Good for you!

[HeatherK]

Sounds like you found just the thing. I only had one attack like that during my last pg and it freaked me out. The fear is true and real in the moment and heck if that's something that you need in your busy life! I wish we had a salt water pool here!

[Ceece]

I'm gonna tell you the following stuff because I do suffer from anxiety and thought all of the same stuff especially this:

The doctor WANTED to put me on Zoloft, since it prevents anxiety and is apparently safe for nursing, but it's an anti-depressant, a fairly strong one, and I'm SO not ready to go there. I'm happy enough most of the time that I would worry an anti-depressant would cause me to have depression.

It's like what Stacey and Clinton say on What Not To Wear, who cares what size it is or what they call it if it works.

You know the days when you feel like all you do is yell at the kids? Anxiety crap.

Do what you can to fix or help this, if weaning Genoa so you can stabilize yourself, then that is the most important thing, for you, your kids, your husband.

The thing that most people don't seem to get is that anxiety, like depression, is all about chemicals and hormones in your brain. Yeah yoga and exercise help, but they're not the fix. You wouldn't tell someone with cancer that all they need to do is take some deep breathes and run at the gym and their cancer will be fine would you?

I'm not trying to sound hateful or like a know-it-all here, but I've been there, I didn't want Lexapro because one of the things it treats is depression, but I tried it and it works. And EVERYONE around me can tell. and I feel so.much.better.

good luck.

[photo Lori]

SO WEIRD! Never in my life have I found anyone with the breathing thing! I am also not a worrier. This happens to me to...mostly around the time I'm supposed to get my period. (and has been that way since I can remember) Never thought it was or could be anxiety. I thought it was period related (often worried I was PG! hmmm....talk about anxiety....then when we were trying to conceive I'd be worried I wasn't! LOL )

:) LORI

[Brandy Edwards]

Hi Amanda! I get the same thing too once in a while! It is weird, because when you start feeling that way, you start thinking there's something really wrong (and asking "Am I having a heart attack or something?), then you start freaking out and then get panicky and feel like you can't breath even more... Vicious cycle!) My doctor told me it was anxiety too and gave me a Prozac RX (which I didn't bother with). I try to think "Mind over Matter" when my breathing gets weird, but that doesn't always work... It really sucks!

[ferd]

Exercise is wonderful. Congratulations on discovering it.

[Amber]

Well, we know it can't be the air! You've got me wondering about the allure of a salt water pool.

[Sally]

I really hope the exercising works. I know this is probably way out in left field, especially since you're seeing an actual medical doctor who's diagnosing anxiety...and I am not an actual medical doctor. But, of course I'm going to throw this out there anyway.

Have you thought about having someone check to see if you have mild, chronic, intermittent asthma? I know that would be in a completely different dirction for a diagnosis, but your symptoms sound a lot like what I experience when my very, very mild asthma decides to start causing trouble. It's so mild it wasn't diagnosed until my late 20s.

To further confuse things, anxiety can be a trigger for asthma, but instead of being helped by calming techniques or anxiety meds the can't-breathe feeling I experience only goes away with a little puff of an inhaler.

Just an idea!

[Abby]

Hi Amanda...I have been through the exact same thing. I remember having to hold onto the kitchen counter to get a deep breath - I just couldn't seem to fill my lungs.

Well, it was in small part to anxiety (I AM a worrier) but I also found out that I have a deviated septum. So I truly was having a physical reason for shortness of breath.

Just an idea...you never know.

[megan]

Clearly not worried about your mental health, I trust you are fine. But the salt water pool will kill your hair. Wear a swim cap and slather some leave in condition on it before putting on the swim cap. Seriously I will send you a swim cap

[cindy w]

I'm starting to think that anxiety and motherhood are pretty much impossible to separate. And just based on what you've written about her, it sounds like Genoa in particular is a pretty demanding child, so I could see the extra stress there.

I recently started on anti-anxiety meds (Klonopin, sort of in the same family as xanax) because I was having anxiety attacks and couldn't figure out why. I started talking to my doctor and listing the things that were stressing me out: we just finished a cross-country move, the baby isn't adjusting so well, I'm looking for a job, my mom just finished chemo, my dad is showing early signs of dementia... yeah, pretty much every stressor imaginable is going on in my life. Don't know how I didn't put it all together until I was sitting in the doctor's office, but there you go.

One thought: exercising boosts your metabolism, so working out at night might actually make it harder for you to sleep. If so, maybe find a sitter (or your MIL?) to watch the kids for an hour in the middle of the day so you can hit the gym. That way you don't have to worry about overloading your already-exhausted husband.

[nicsim]

I too have had this breathing problem on occasion.. I even remember having it as a child.
Looks like it is a pretty common thing. Mine comes, and goes too.
Knock on wood- I have not had the problem for months!

[Tracy]

Um, didn't read the other comments, but did you think that maybe this is related to the whole not sleeping thing? I mean, if you're getting up a couple of times a night, you're probably not getting the right sleep cycle depth, which could be affecting BOTH you and Genoa.

I hate to push, but maybe it's time to quit nursing, so BOTH of you can sleep through the night.

[Kate]

You go girl!

[Amanda]

You described a classic (and mild) Panic Attack. Xanax, counseling and exercise will all help. Looks like you are taking baby steps (and the least invasive step), which is awesome.

I also disagree with a PP who said exercise will keep you awake. NOT TRUE (unless you work out 15 minutes before bedtime! Duh!), exercise will in fact, help you sleep.

I know you will find the right combo for you, cause you're smart like that. Wishing you WELL!

[Amy]

Let me just chime in with HOLY CRAP THAT IS SO ME TOO! I'm smack in the middle of the same thing, but I've gotten in touch with all my major organs trying to rule out everything else first. I now have the names of more sepcialists in my Rolodex than I ever dreamed possible. And I am so NOT a worrier - I am a pretty darn tranquil person, or I was before this started. I have tried, really TRIED to locate some anxiety in my life (other than anxiety about being anxious), and I really, truly don't consciously feel any. So why do I get these horrible moments where I feel like I'm at high altitude and can't get any air??? Now that I know I'm not really dying, I can fend them off much easier. I find that singing forces me into a more natural breathing pattern - or at least gets me thinking about breathing in the pauses and not about how much air I'm not getting when I inhale. It's awful - just awful, but I'm not going on anything as long as I can shake it off with a little re-direction. I think mine is tied to hormones too, and I want to have another baby, so I definitely worry about what that will do the attacks. I blame my daughter - I never worried about my health until I had someone that I would be leaving without a mother if anythng happened to me!

[jennP]

i have the same breathing issues... like you, mainly in bed. I have 4 pillows to make sure i am straight up enough. I am aware that I have anxiety issues though... so I knew that was it.
I have had anxiety issues ever since I was a tween. I remember like it was yesterday and I am now 33. I stopped having anxiety for about 10 years. and then, after having my daughter 6 years ago, BAM... anxiety hit me like a rock. Most of the time it's about sickness or death.

good for you for figuring it out :)

[kristine]

I'm so thinking it's a mom thing. I can recall being 5-6 & watching my mom have exact breathing thing.At the time she was divorcing my dad. Then i had the pleasure when my daughter was going from 2 naps, to 1 nap & having mother in law issues. In both cases mild exercise helped. God luck!

[Janie]

Before going the pill route, why not normalize your night situation by stopping the nursing, letting Genoa fall asleep by herself, and insisting that the kids stay in bed until the big hand is on the 12 and the little one is on the 7? In other words, give yourself a few weeks of 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep per night in your own bed. Then you can reassess the situation and decide whether exercise, therapy or meds are in order. (The Genoa routine you've established would have sent many people over the edge a long time ago, much less caused a little anxiety!)

[Rachael]

I have anxiety and depression, but they REALLY feed off each other and I think I lean more towards the anxiety side. I don't always worry, but I have trouble sitting still, and feel like there's something else I should be doing. I've been on Lexapro for a few years, and it works very well for me at a pretty low dose. Exercise DEFINITELY helps for me - it's not enough to keep me off medication, but it does help. You took a wonderful step in calling your doctor, that is such a hard thing to do in the first place. I hope that things start to improve & that soon you're able to breathe again. (Hugs)

[Embee]

Hey Manda and other posters. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I had no idea the breathing things was so common! I am not a mom, am divorced and work as an attorney in a big firm (some stress, not a bad gig though). I get my breathing issues while at my desk (especially in front of the computer) and while my mind races as I go to sleep at night. I've always had a pretty intense exercise regime, and the breathing problem came while I wasn't working out (do to v. bad ex-bf). Exercise has helped me, as has yoga. I do Bikram and we do two breathing exercises that have been really helpful, particularly because it has given me confidence that I really can fill up my lungs with some thought/effort. Bikram's intense (hot room, 90 minutes, etc.) but I would htink any yoga could help. Take care and hang in there.