Alex is FIVE!

This morning as we snuggled in bed and I told him the story of his birth, he told me, "Now that I'm five, I'm going to be a lot more rougher."  "Really?" I asked, "I thought five year old were more gentle, especially with their sisters."  "Well, I'm going to be rougher on the playground and, like,  make up really cool games, but I'll be more gentle with my sister."

Good deal.

Happy birthday to my boy!  The amazing child who broke my motherhood cherry. 

Every year on Alex's birthday I feel guilty.  I realize another year has gone by and it hits me that I might not be getting any better at being his mother.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE being his mother, but it gets harder every year.  I was REALLY exceptional at the baby stuff, the PHYSICAL parts of parenting: the feeding, bathing, rocking, nurturing, nursing and even packing the diaper bag.  Logistics is my stronghold.  That part was easy for me.

But now there's discipline and patience and the hardest thing of all: being present.  I feel like I'm not so stellar at including him in the moment.  I'm busy most of the time just dealing with the various details of keeping us all afloat.  Sure, he could HELP me wash the dishes, but it takes longer and I'm more apt to just say, "Go play outside!" than I am to pull up a stool and include him in my work.  I'm too snappy and impatient (and lazy).  I have a hard time being fun.

Alex, on the other hand, never seems to notice.  He mostly goes about his day finding ways to entertain himself (although often at the expense of his sister).  He is creative and enthusiastic and intelligent in ways I never expected.  He loves to talk and probably tells me he loves me half a dozen times every day, just out of the blue.  I have one year left before he starts school and I want to enjoy it with him.  I want to give him as much of myself as I possibly can. 

And so I will.

Happy Birthday, Alex!  The remote-controlled tarantula is going to seem pretty cool, but my real gift to you is going to be more time, more attention and more patience.

Comments

[David]

Happy Birthday Big Boy! You are so very special and I am so proud that you are growing into such a fine young man.

"The amazing child who broke my motherhood cherry."

Somehow ... Is it me or does that just sound wrong?

[Tracy]

You do realize that being aware of the nuances of what you're not good at as a mother kinda makes you a great mother, ya? Just wanted to point that out.

[Rachael]

Happy Birthday to your adorable 5 year old!

[Shan]

I feel that exact same way with my 4 year old. I'm glad I'm not the only one like that. It makes me better to hear someone else describe herself like that too!

[Ali]

Happy Birthday, big guy! Hope you have a wonderful day.

[Michele]

You could have been writing about my life when you wrote about not being present in the moment for my children (4 and 2)So thank you for writing exactly what I feel! Enjoy this next year with Alex!

[astarte]

Oh, how gross!!!! An rc tarantula?! What a BOY gift THAT is! I bet he'll love it!!!

I like this post very much. I think a lot of women have these same feelings. I mean, there's so much to do, and if it's not done, everyone will be miserable, but on the other hand, doing it is a misery, too. Next year will be easier - you can do your chores while he's at school, and then when he comes home, you'll be ready.

[laura]

okay you have me all teary, urghh.. Happy Birthday to your Big BOY!

[Kate]

Happy Birthday, Alex!!! Being five is so cool! We can't wait to see you this weekend!

[kheatherg]

It takes time, patience and attention to raise a kid? That must be what i'm doing wrong! My boy turned 5 and i think he doesnt have the time, attention or patience for me! It's like their little feet turn into hot wheels.... they are off and running!

Happy Birthday!

[cindy w]

Happy birthday Alex! I can't believe he's gotten so big.

(And dude, now I totally want some Fruit Loops.)

[Jamie]

Happiest of birthdays (so far!!), Alex! FIVE! How could that possibly BE?!? And on the guilt thing, Amanda...ditto verbatim.