Questions, answered

AMERICAN IDOL 
Last night sucked, although that could be because Dave was out at a client thing and I got to watch it live.  Watching it live is a little like nails on a chalkboard.  Even though last night's performances left much to be desired (I hate the Beatles, shoot me!), I still have the same handful of favorites: Carly, David Cook, Jason Castro and especially Brooke White.  I ADORE Brooke White.  I realized last night that it's not even her singing I like so much, it's just HER.  I love that she's so comfortable with herself and she's so confident without it coming across as conceit.  I think the word I'm looking for is GENUINE.  David Archuleta has a little bit of the same thing going on, but as well as he sings, I find him very boring.  I think Ramiele Malubay will be going home tonight.

TWO CHILDREN IS ENOUGH
Before having any of my own, I really loved kids, especially bigger grown kids that I could relate to.  I was never really much of a baby person.  I honestly thought I'd tolerate my babies until they became PEOPLE.  But the second they placed that first slimy squirmy monster on my chest, I was SMITTEN.  It turns out I'm totally a baby person and after Alex was born and I realized how much I loved every minute of his existence, I started thinking that two kids was never going to be enough for me.  I saw how fast he grew up and didn't feel like I was done with the baby stage and that I wouldn't be, not even after a second baby.

But Dave and I had agreed before marrying that two children would be the perfect amount.  It was never a plan I thought I'd want to revise, so imagine his surprise after Alex was born when I immediately started niggling him for a third.  It actually became a bit of an issue for us.  I mean, how do you SOLVE that?  I couldn't make him want a third child any more than he could make me want only two.  He always had the upper hand in the discussions, though, because I had technically agreed to having two children.  I mean in Dave's lawyer mind, this was a case that had long ago been decided and shelved in the law books.  We had agreed.  It was ME who was changing her mind, not him.

Then I got pregnant with Genoa and it was hard.  I realized how much I HATE being pregnant, that it turns me into a big fat whiner.  With hemorrhoids.  Alex also turned two right around that time and my experience of parenting changed.  I can look back and say that I LOVED being Alex's mommy virtually every minute of his first two years.  He was an easy baby and being his mother made me happier than I'd ever been in my life.  But age two?  It slayed me.  Parenting became actual work.  I had also quit my job and had literally zero alone time, something I never thought I really needed.  Mostly I stopped missing him because I wasn't ever away from him.  On my life, I swear moms who go away to work all day appreciate their children in entirely different ways than moms who stay home all day.

Then Genoa was born and if you've been reading this blog for any length of time, I think it's pretty clear that she is NOT an easy baby.  She was up nursing FIVE times LAST NIGHT.  And she's almost two.  I haven't had a solid night of sleep since mid-2005.  I'm tired!  The idea of adding another child to this chaos is totally overwhelming to me, and I'm not someone who often feels overwhelmed about anything.

So here's the real truth: having two kids isn't as hard as I think most parents make it out to be.  Even when Genoa was screaming bloody murder every time I ate dairy and I was stressed out about it, I was still vacuuming my house every week.  Physically, I can do all the work.  I honestly feel like I'm a good mother, even at my worst.  The thing that's gotten harder for me is being in the moment, enjoying it instead of worrying about the next chore on my list.  When it was just me and Alex, that was so easy.  I missed him all day while I was at work and then spent every minute we were together just focusing on him.  I don't feel that way about parenting anymore.  If I spent every minute of the time my children were awake focusing on them, I'd be writing this post from the looney bin.  It's just not possible. 

If I could do it all over again, I would honestly decide to wait longer between children.  Being pregnant with a two year old was really a changing point for me.  It was really difficult and I stopped enjoying EVERY minute of parenthood.  I think it would be easier if my kids were a little further spaced.  I think that's how the larger families do it - the older kids help with the younger kids.  I know I certainly helped my mom when my baby brother and sister were born.  If nothing else, it spreads the manual labor around a bit more manageably. 

So I guess I do feel like I'm done having babies.  Ideally, in a perfect world where money and career don't matter, I'd have another baby when Genoa goes to Kindergarten.  But I am honestly looking forward to going back to work and having a career again, so that won't happen.  And there would be the whole pesky issue of having to find a new sperm donor.

ON HAVING MY MOTHER-IN-LAW LIVE RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET
When I tell people that Carol moved in right across the street, I usually get a raised eyebrow of suspicion.  I mean, why would anybody actually WANT to live that close to her husband's mother?  But I'm being very honest when I say that I am very happy to have Carol so close.  I'm not saying it just because she reads this blog.  In fact, I pretty much pushed her into buying that house because the convenience factor was so huge.  I can be fairly persuasive, you know.

Carol and I have always gotten along well.  We have a unique relationship and I count her as one of the few (three?) people around whom I can say anything I want to (including all my annoyingly honest complaining) without fear.  Any eggshells in the room with Carol and me were stomped on long, long ago.  I truly and honestly love her like a mother.  When she hurt her back last year and I wasn't there to help her, it was really hard for me.  I'm hugely relieved that she's right across the street now.

The nice thing is that the road goes two ways.  There is nothing Carol wouldn't do for me out of the goodness of her heart.  She's super helpful with the kids and I'm glad she's here to spend more time with them.  The best part of the relationship is that there is no tit for tat.  No one's keeping track.  I enjoy helping her out as much as she enjoys helping me out.  There's no downside for either of us.

My only complaint is my husband.  He and his mother get along fabulously, but only when I'm not around.  The second I'm there, all they do is fight.  It's the most annoying phenomenon and no matter how much we rationally discuss it, he goes into crank mode the second we're all in a room together.  I can't tell you how often I wish I could install a zipper on his mouth.

Comments

[Chris77]

I'm new to your blog - and love it so far! One question, why are you still nursing an almost 2 year old? Wean that girl! LOL

[MelissaLBC]

Thanks for the responses to our questions! I know what you mean about going into "crank mode" my sister does the same thing when she's with my Mom and I. Alone she's wonderful. What is that? Maybe an attention thing? It is a strange phenomenon though.

[Melissa]

Amanda,

My DD is almost 3 and I'm still surprised when she goes thru an entire night without waking. It happens so rarely, I always have to go do the "is she breathing" check when I wake up in the morning.

I feel for you... although we weaned several months ago, she now does this totally annoying armpit-picking thing that (unlike nursing) is totally in public and still exposes my bits by stretching the neck of my shirt all out to get in prime picking territory.

Hang in there, Genoa's not the only iffy sleeper. My pediatrician reminded me this week that eating, sleeping, and pottying are the main areas they can exert control, and the strong willed ones usually will. :-) But, in 20 years when they're graduating magna cum laude, we'll laugh about this, right? Right?

[Jmialah]

No mother should be exhausted as the result of being up multiple times in the night with a two year old. I'm not at all critiquing the idea of nursing a two-year old--to each his own. What I don't understand is why you would nurse her 5 times in one night. She doesn't need food in the middle of the night, so let's put that aside. She apparently is waking up in the middle of the night for whatever reason and her first thought is to nurse which, unfortunately, requires your presence. We all have to train our kids to learn how to settle themselves back down to sleep when they waken in the night. Instead of nursing Genoa, why not a pat on the back and an instruction that it's time to sleep? And if she protests, well, that's part of the learning process. She has learned to wake you up to nurse every time she rouses; she is just as capable of learning not to disturb you in the middle of the night. This isn't doing either of you any good--you both need uninterrupted sleep. My second child was (is) as difficult and demanding as they come, but uninterrupted nights (except for illness) were always a non-negotiable issue.

[G-mom]

Daughter has 4! Personally I thought she had lost her mind. But, which one would we do without? Enjoy them while you can and they want you in the same 50 mile radius.
Now for the MIL across the street....God Bless you! Mine is very nice but, her & my own mom being 250m away is totally awesome!

[Tessie]

Amanda, I don't often comment, but I wanted to tell you I really enjoyed this post, especially the part about your thoughts on number of kids and spacing! What a relief to hear SOMEONE say two kids can be done.

[CP]

Amanda-

Re the mother-in-law: you are so lucky to have Carol across the street from you. I get along really well with my mother-in-law as well but she lives 3000 miles away. I love it when she comes to visit as she is really a hands on grandmother and is always so helpful.

Re the sleep thing: well, no one can really know what is the right thing for you and Genoa so just know we all feel for the no sleep thing. You'll get through it. She won't be nursing 5x a night when she's 10.

Re the kid spacing: My first 2 are 18 months a part and I totally loved it. There is then a 3 year gap (took a LONG time to get pregnant the 3rd time) and that worked out great as well. Now the 3 of them have such unique relationships. My 11 year old son dominates his almost 10 year old sister. She in turn dominates her almost 7 year old little sister. The little one (not so little anymore!) has her 11 year old brother wrapped tightly around her little finger. It's actually great fun to see.

Hang in there- it just gets better and better with the kids!

[Sara]

Geez, what's with the attacks on extended nursing? Weaning at 12 months works for my family, but everyone is different. And wow, I'm glad you have such a great relationship with Carol. My MIL and I do nothing but walk on eggshells around each other. It's not that I dislike her--our timing or something just seems to be off. Maybe it's because I'm constantly putting my foot in my mouth. Gotta work on that now that I'm a grownup...

[Christa]

I hear ya! My two sons are 20 months apart, and it is very hard! They are 3 and 4 now, and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Thing is, I actually used to cry at night because I felt like I had totally cheated the first baby out of quality time by having the second baby so quickly after he. I wished I had waited, just like you.

And on having your m-i-l across the street, I would die to have mine there. My own mother lives a half a block away and I have to literally pull teeth to get her to help with anything when it comes to the kids. And I don't ask much...mostly because my m-i-l who lives about 25 minutes away is always calling and volunteering to come and do stuff with the kids or take them somewhere. Consider yourself a lucky girl! :)

[Melissa]

P.S. I loved your blog entry at the other place about just loving G. where she is, and how she is, and not fighting her innate lack-of-sleepness. I don't think we can let anyone decide what's right for our own child, much like you are finding with Alex's preschool.

FWIW, if you go to the local learning supply store, you can find tons of stuff to help create a learning enviornment at home, like pegs and sorting bears and stuff. Also, I'm emailing you a link that may help point you in the right direction.