Judgmental much?

I was really going to let this one die, but I still keep getting negative comments, so I want to readdress it. 

With every negative or defensive comment I receive, the same thing keeps going through my mind.  No matter what you chose for your babies, why is it so hard to accept the idea that NURSING IS BEST?  It's a well-substantiated medical fact.  So whether you nursed your babies or not, don't you ALSO wish that more babies were breastfed?  Why is this even the least bit controversial?  Instead of being so quick to judge me as judgmental, can't we all just agree that it would be FABULOUS if every baby was nursed?  Even though it's not possible, obviously, how exactly am I being judgmental simply by wishing it was?

That said, there are some things about which I am TOTALLY judgmental.  Yesterday as we were pulling out of our parking spot at Baskin Robbins, I saw a minivan pull up (from El Camino Real, a busy six lane road on a bus route) with a mother sitting in the backseat holding her baby.  NOT IN A CAR SEAT.  Even worse, the car seat she did have set up was facing forward, even though the child could not have been six months old.   Her toddler was also walking around in the middle of the van.

There is no excuse for that kind of rash and idiotic NEGLIGENCE.   I judge that mother.  I judge her harshly.  I think she is a TERRIBLE mother.  A BAD BAD BAD MOTHER.  I can't help it.  It's one thing to do stupid things that put you in a position to hurt your children unnecessarily, but for god's sake don't put other people in that position.  I am out there driving too.  I do my best to drive safely, but anything could happen.  The sun could get in my eyes.  My flip-flop could slip off and I could accidentally slam on the gas pedal when I meant to hit the brakes.  SHIT HAPPENS.  And that terrible, HORRIBLE mother has absolutely NO RIGHT to put me in a position to unnecessarily harm her baby.  She might be able to live with the fact that she was careless, but I am not.  I don't want her dead baby on my conscience thankyouverymuch.

See?  You'll know when I'm being judgmental.

EDITED TO ADD:  I've never done this before, but I'm closing comments.  I'm honestly just dumbfounded.  Not by the well-thought-out dissenting comments, like Jonniker's, but by the meanness.  Even if I AM judgmental, I'm nice.  I play well with others.  I go out of my way to be kind, so you'll never see me let this become a forum for disrespect. 

Comments

[maggie]

YES!! Nursing is best and there are a lot of idiots out there who don't know how to use car seats and seat belts. I'm with you.

[AmyChop]

HELLO something that makes me absolutely crazy. In Illinois we have a program called Buckle Buddy where you can call and report the license plates of cars with kids who aren't properly restrained. I have the phone number programmed into my cell phone and I call it EVERY SINGLE TIME I see something like this. It's not being judgemental, it's saving kid's lives.

[Amber]

I had to install my girl's car seat in a Silverado yesterday. NOT easy. Forward facing was a no go because the only part of the bottom touching the seat was the very front. So I moved the straps down and reclined it for rear facing. The ball was not in the green. Onlookers said "Oh, it'll be fine. It's just this once. Don't worry about it." Things like that. Well, I felt I was wasting everyone's time, BUT I took it back out, put a rolled up towel in the seat crease and, voila, a perfectly secure and correctly installed carseat. I felt SO much better about putting my daughter in it. I never want to put her in that truck again. She can only rear face for two more pounds, anyway. Then it won't even be possible for her to ride in it.

So yeah. Parents who don't care about the safety of their children? SUCK.

[HeatherK]

I get your incredulity. But no...some people just don't make an issue out of it. They feed their babies, they see them grow and develop and that is *enough* for them. Not my choice, but really not any of my business. I also nursed my first past two years and pumped for the second past a year and still I don't think that it is giving them some huge lifelong advantage. A bit perhaps, but who knows. There is so much out there ahead of them that I won't be able to control. Your kids may grow up and not even care that you cared enough to bf them.

[jonniker]

People get very defensive about their mothering choices, and breastfeeding seems to be number one in blog-land. I guess I don't wish that all babies were breastfed, because that's just not possible, nor sane for every family, and I think it's a wish that I can't quite visualize, knowing everything I know about people who've struggled with it. It's not a reality I can imagine.

I have no personal stake in this, as I'm not a mom, and I haven't fed another being with my boobs, or without them, but when you make statements like "Nursing is best", that raises people's hackles, because within that statement, it can be interpreted as saying, "Your choice is inferior - too bad you couldn't do it!" And it just breeds resentment and defensiveness, however unintentional or undeserved.

The thing is, it's *not* best for everyone, because it doesn't work for every mother - it's not as black and white as "it's best medically!" because "medically" also includes the mental health of the mom, and studies and arguments don't always factor that in. It's just not that clear-cut. I know you know this, but sometimes understanding the semantics of why people get upset can be helpful.

This is one of those discussions that quickly get out of hand unless you simply speak for your own personal choices, and don't try to wish anything for others, because man, the interpretations and opportunities for distress are far too great. I'm not saying don't have the discussion - no no, learning is great - but framing it in light of what you wish for the world is bound to bring forth some less-than-happy readers.

[Sadie]

Thank you, Jonniker, I could not have said it any better. Manda, while I understand where you're coming from, I hope you can see how it might make others uncomfortable about their choices. I mean, medically speaking it is BEST not be overweight, right? But how does it sound for me to say, "I wish everyone could be as thin and healthy as I am"? It's not really fair for me to project that onto other people.

[Robbi]

a) you should have called the cops regarding the baby-not-in-a-carseat-ordeal.
b) im not going to comment again re: breastfeeding. i think this post was no different than your original one.

[Sam]

I think children not in carseats is something to be judgemental about. I wish we had a "Buckle Buddy" here in Mississippi so I could call the police myself. It's mystifying, honestly, how people think it's okay to have kids jumping like monkeys all over the car.

While I understand that breastfeeding is best nutritionally, and I hope to God and the Baby Jesus that I will able to do it for my children and have every intention of giving it my full commitment, I also accept that it's not for everyone, whether mentally or physically or whatever. It doesn't bother me that much, except when I see formula pushed at teenage moms, or when it's not presently properly or with good information.

[Stefanie]

First off, I agree with Jonniker 100%. I don't have time to write another long comment about why what you wrote sounds condescending and judgemental. And just because you're so OUT about judging the family for not having their baby in a baby seat doesn't mean you're not sneakily judging other moms for other choices they make. Breast is definitely not always best and you must be ignorant to say that as if you yourself are in the Breast Milk Research business. Some babies fail to thrive because their own mother's milk fails to give them the nutrients they need to gain weight and survive. Formula is why the infant mortality rate has so decreased from days when if you couldn't get breast fed you died.

and hey, I don't agree with letting your baby CIO - but I don't write posts where I say, don't you wish all babies were perfect sleepers like mine?

[Procrastamom]

No, I don't believe that "Breast is Best". Rather, I believe the slogan should go:

A WELL-FED, HAPPY BABY IS BEST

or even

A HAPPY, HEALTHY, WELL-RESTED MOTHER IS BEST

I refuse to bow to the bullshit that LaLeche League feeds us all. I have three formula fed children. None of them have ADD. They all slept well from a few weeks old. They are all healthy. They all bring home straight A's. (these are all things that LaLeche League will have you believe your formula fed baby will suffer from.) I have had 15 years to witness the results of "my choices" and have come to realize that everything I did was okay, because I haven't managed to kill one yet.

(and well said Jonniker)

[Jenni]

Amanda- I agree with you. I wish everyone could do it. I wish it were easier and more common. I wish we all respected each other's choices more. And I think you are getting a lot of heat for a pretty small thing.

[Jem]

I agree with Jonniker. I didn't post a comment on your last post because I prefer not to get into those type of discussions.

[Angie]

And now we're all banging our heads on the conference table...

[Amber]

I just called in reinforcements. Please stand by...

[Ashley]

All I can say is that if someone feels uncomfortable about their "choice"... maybe they made a wrong choice. People who had no other option don't feel uncomfortable... they know their baby needed formula to survive. It's those who had perfectly functioning breasts, a baby that was perfectly able to nurse and good supply and still CHOOSE to feed their baby the lesser food are the ones who get all up in arms about it. Those who never even try breastfeeding. Most who actually try and have to stop fully agree that breastmilk is the best food for the vast majority of babies.

[Steph]

You know, I totally agree. I feel bad for the stupid people who seem to think that its perfectly ok to feed formula. Who ever thinks that breastmilk isn't best, ( EXCLUDING obvious things like, drugs and alcohol..etc) is a big fat dork.
And so what if she is judging people ( wether or not she is doesn't matter) because they don't breastfeed? Its her world, her mind. I judge every person I see who gives their kid a bottle. I KNOW how much of a pain it is to make that damn thing. Just use the boob. You know, the thing that was intended to feed that thing that came out of you that was made by those two sexual organs??

[OMSH]

I agree that it would be lovely IF every mother's breast was full of free flowing, abundant, sweet nutrition, and they were able to breastfeed their baby.

And I do realize we live in a world where that is not possible. A world where some mothers cannot breastfeed, must take meds that would be unhealthy for their child, do not breastfeed by choice, have selected to formula feed b/c they are supporting their family on a single income and do not have the time/or cannot pump, are too exhausted to produce, or maybe don't have enough good nutrition themselves to maintain an abundant supply of milk for their babies.

I have friends that wanted desperately to nurse and couldn't - and they formula fed - and their babies were plump, beautiful, edible chunks of chunkyness.

I think, however, that Amanda is saying if everything was perfect - if it WERE possible that this breastfeeding gig could work for EVERYONE. MY OH MY -- wouldn't that be NICE?!

And yes, I believe it would be. It would be downright fabulous.

[jonniker]

I really don't like the tone this whole conversation has taken. To be clear, I was simply explaining the other side, in what I hope was a really polite manner. What's unfortunate is the name calling, accusatory tone and judgment that's pervading both sides here. I actually can't believe at this stage of the game, where this argument has been hashed and rehashed a hundred different places, that this discussion even still happens to this degree, seriously.

What's "best" for everyone - babies included - is based on a vast set of extremely personal circumstances that are different for every mother, every kid, every family. Everyone's reasons are different, and for some - even those with "perfectly functioning breasts" - it's not the right decision, and frankly, I'm floored at why anyone else even cares what other mothers do, and why people get so up in arms about it.

Ashley - again, as a person who has no personal stake here, as I have no children, I can say with objectivity that both sides are equally guilty when it comes to getting "up in arms." Breastfeeding moms often use it as a comforting tool to reinforce themselves that they are good mothers, "better" mothers, whatever, than the rest of the group. Formula feeding moms are always justifying their decision and defending themselves against those who would speak out against them, real or imagined.

Like the working/SAHM debate, there is no right answer. What's better nutritionally might not be better mentally, and so on. What's better for the baby, care-wise, might not be best for the mom's mental health and well-being, and it might not be possible financially.

I can't stand that in this argument, like in life, we're always seeking a "right" answer, mostly to comfort ourselves. Is there a single right answer anywhere in our lives? Of course not. There are *lots* of right answers.

Amanda, this isn't all directed at you at all - just calling as I see it here, and a lot of other places.

[Natalie]

Studies show that eating right and exercising will help ward off obesity and heart disease. Studies show that not smoking helps reduce your risk of lung cancer. Studies (and basic common sense) show that wearing a seat belt and obeying speed limits can help keep you from turning into human ground chuck during a car crash. We accept these things without getting upset. So why, when medical studies show that breastfeeding is nutritionally superior to formula, do people get so up-in-arms about it? These are actual medical studies we're quoting when we say that breast is best- we're not just asserting our opinions or using anecdotal evidence. Yes, people still eat like pigs and spend all their time in front of the TV, and yes, people still smoke like chimneys, and yes, people go flying down the highway at 90 mph with no seatbelt on, but we generally look at them and say, "Wow, that's a pretty dumb thing to do." Those of us who are working hard to give our babies what medical study after medical study has shown to be nutritionally best for them might look the same way at a woman whose physical condition and circumstances easily permit breastfeeding, who instead chooses to feed her children formula because she thinks it will be easier. Yes, plenty of formula-fed children turn out healthy. BUT some people keep a horrific diet without needing bypass surgery, some people smoke two packs a day without getting cancer, and some people let their seat belts dangle out their open windows without ending up being thrown through their windshield. But is it worth the risk? Anecdotal evidence like, "My kids were formula-fed and turned out fine," doesn't prove formula is as good as breastmilk, any more than, "I never wore a seatbelt and I never died in a car crash," proves that seatbelts don't save lives. The benefits of breastfeeding are backed by medical studies. Formula feeding is backed by formula companies, formula advertisements, and the hospitals and doctors who receive incentives to post those ads in their offices.

[ireane]

Quite a few people seem to miss the point that breastmilk is the BEST thing for every baby. Whether or not a mother chooses to breastfeed her child does NOT make breastmilk any less perfect for her baby!