Mandajuice

I can be such a loser

The other day I read Mary's post about her having a really bad morning followed by a lovely lunch and I laughed because I totally know how that goes.  So imagine my surprise when yesterday, a day when Mary herself was kind enough to invite us to a Halloween playgroup at her house, I had that exact kind of crappy morning followed by a lovely lunch. 

Without going into too much detail (which is exactly what I'm about to do), I just could. not. get. out. the. door.  And I HATE to be late.  HATE! IT!  The baby started screaming when I got out of the shower.  The shirt I wanted to wear shrunk in the wash.  I had to change my jeans and the only other pair of jeans I had were capris, so I had to shave my legs in the bathroom sink and paint my toenails at the last minute (which is stupid, I know, but I have standards, people, standards).  Then Alex threw a toy at Genoa's face and had to get a spanking.  I couldn't find a binky to save my life.  Once we were finally on the road and I thought we were safe, I saw a cop pull up behind me and was 100% sure I was getting a ticket.  I didn't, but it was one of those bad, bad mornings.

But then we got to Mary's (only thirty minutes late!) and had a great time.  Her house looked adorable, the food was delicious and Alex disappeared into the fray the second we walked in the door.  Genoa had fun playing with the other babies and I really enjoyed meeting all of Mary's friends.  The party totally made up for the crappy morning and I left with my sanity back in tow.  At least temporarily.

And now I feel really horrible because Genoa woke up from her nap yesterday afternoon with a fever.  Alex and I both had colds, but we woke up feeling better and I thought we were getting over them and no longer contagious or I would never have gone to Mary's party.  This morning I woke up with such a bad sore throat that I had no voice for a couple of hours.  I really hate being that mom who shows up to a party late with sick kids!

The more I watch Saturday Night Live, the more I wish Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip was a real show so I could watch it instead.

Torture!

Last night I endured the exquisite torture of unpacking and installing a brand new Dell for Dave's Mom, which she received as a gift.  It is fast and lovely and packed with features in a way that made me commit just about all the cardinal sins: lust, anger, greed, and envy.  Especially envy.  The stupidest part is that I don't even really NEED a new computer (gluttony?).  It just hurt my soul a little to set up a superfast sexy machine for someone who will basically use it to check e-mail and catalog shop on line.  All those wasted extras!  It was like giving a Ferrari Testarossa to someone who doesn't know how to drive a stick shift.

In other news, I'm sick.  I've never had a cold hit me this fast before in my life.  I generally never get sick, I swear, a fact I usually attribute to a lifetime of the constant low-level immunity boost I get from biting my nails.  This time, though, I feel like I'm living in a science fiction movie; I can almost HEAR the mucus thickening in my skull.  I did snort some drain cleaner last night before bed, though, and that seems to have helped.

More TMI

I'm pretty sure Dave accidentally broke the middle toe of my right foot the other night.  Our feet were somewhat intertwined and, well, let's just chalk it up to the toe-curling power of my sexual prowess.  It doesn't hurt as bad as you'd think it would, but it's swollen as hell and decidedly crooked.  Maybe this is the universe's way of telling us we aren't teenagers any more and maybe we should just cool it off a bit, no?

My baby is five months old

Which means she's five months closer to not being my baby anymore and my heart is officially broken.  It dawned on me a few days ago that the mobility countdown is at T-minus-two-months, if I'm LUCKY.  Alex was already cruising furniture (as in STANDING UP AND WALKING AROUND THE COFFEE TABLE) at six months, so if Genoa is anything like her brother (and in this regard, she totally is), she'll be crawling by, oh, the next time I blink.  This is why I'm not ready to be done having babies yet; I basically give birth to toddlers.

Parenting is so amazingly different the second time around and not for the reasons you'd think.  I was a pretty mellow first-time mom, so the whole not-as-nervous reason doesn't apply to me.  I wasn't nervous about Alex and I'm even less so about Genoa.   Infants are easy - you feed them, you change them when they crap and you do everything in your power to make them laugh.

That said, Genoa is a VERY different baby than her brother was.  Alex was only ever unhappy for two reasons: hungry or tired.  There was literally NO other reason he would fuss or cry.  Genoa is not so easy.  There are any number of reasons why she might decide to crank it up, ranging from someone looking at her the wrong way to being hungry and wanting to eat, but not wanting the particular boob I've offered her.  I've witnessed her pitch a thirty minute fit because I dared to offer her my left side and what she really wanted was the right.  Like Duh, Mom.  I'm learning to become a mind reader.

She also won't take a bottle, a fact which both delights and discourages me.  I love that she prefers me (have I mentioned how much I love nursing?!?), but it might be nice to someday leave the house without a baby attached to my person.  Alex took bottles daily from my mom when he was only six weeks old, which not only helped me, but also meant he wasn't all that much of a momma's boy.  He's basically always been a social butterfly, so he never had trouble when I walked out the door.  Genoa is completely the opposite.  Dave can only ever hold her for the time it takes me to go pee before she begins to dissolve into a retched pile of mommyless despair.

The girl is not a fan of crowds and becomes a clingy monkey at the sight of anything more than a handful of strangers.  At home, though, she's delightful and will sit on my lap and happily stare at her father for hours.  Her face lights up when either of the boys walks into the room.  She laughs relatively easily and kicks her right foot when she's happy.  My favorite pet name for her is Happy Happerstein.

I can't believe I ever wanted a boy instead of a girl.  I look at my daughter now and can't imagine existing without her.  My feelings for her are different than than they are for Alex.  I'm not sure I can adequately describe how, exactly, but my love for her is somehow more delicate, more tender and infinitely more complicated.  In a good way.

NaBloPoMo, biotch!

I'm totally going to blog every day in November.  Because what Mrs. Kennedy wants, Mrs. Kennedy gets.

That said, I've been a horrible blogger lately.  It feels like I have nothing to talk about but sleep, poop and sex, which is lame because I've actually been keeping a list of stuff to write about.  I just haven't felt like writing (you know, outside of the contractually obligated stuff).

On Wednesday, we took a completely spontaneous trip to the beach and my mom taught me a thing or two about stopping to enjoy the goddamn journey.  On our way over the hill (Highway 17 for those of you local enough to feel my pain), we saw a helicopter doing practice fire drills in Lexington reservoir.  Normally, I would've pointed it out to Alex as a point of interest and continued driving to Santa Cruz without a second thought. 

But my mom, someone who up until a month ago had plenty of time to perfect the art of living in the moment (she just got her first paid job in 30+ years, how awesome is that?), told me to pull over and I did.  And even though the helicopter never came back, we went on a little nature hike and Alex got to pee on a log and we had all kinds of fun.  Fun I would've missed out on if I hadn't stopped to smell the goddamn roses.

Then we headed to the wharf and had a bowl of chowder and a stroll while watching the locals catch fish.  Just as I was ready to head back to the car, we took a detour to the end of pier and caught a real-life episode of Croc Hunter.  A couple of guys had accidentally hooked a bat stingray and were trying to reel it in with a grapple hook.  Alex thought it was "awesome!"

It was also a stunning day on the beach.    October is by far the best month for weather in Santa Cruz.  We played in the sand, ate soft serve and visited with my grandparents for a little while.  The whole trip was an exercise in reminding me what I'm missing out on while I rush around trying to meet non-existent deadlines every day. 

Consider the stick up my butt officially removed.

Traffic school question, I shit you not.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

3.	After getting a green light at an intersection ____________.
A. immediately proceed through the intersection B. do not attempt to proceed until all traffic has cleared the intersection safely C. presume that you have the right-of-way because the light is green D. ignore pedestrians who are still crossing the street

Mother Talk Blog Book Tour: Sleep Solutions

When Andi Buchanan first asked if I wanted to participate in the Mother Talk Blog Book Tour for Ann Douglas' Book: Sleep Solutions for your baby, toddler and preschooler, I was said sure, but I was really thinking, pshaw!  My kids both sleep through the night!  Like I need to read a book about sleep!

I think the moment I pressed send on that e-mail was the moment Genoa decided to stop sleeping through the night.  When the book arrived two weeks later, I had spent the past ten nights wondering if I would ever sleep again.  The timing could not have been better and I ended up hungrily devouring the book (with one hand while I held the nursing baby with the other hand at 3AM).
And "Sleep Solutions" did not disappoint!  I really loved Ann's no-fluff writing style and the way it was easy to find what I was looking for, which in my case was some new strategies for getting Genoa to sleep again.  I also enjoyed the chart at the back of the book that I could use to track Genoa's naps, which helped me see that I really needed to start paying more attention to her schedule. 

The best part of this book, though, is that instead of promising you a single solitary solution, Ann rounds up every expert sleep theory ever written about.  She summarizes the pros and cons of co-sleeping vs. crying-it-out vs. sleep training, etc.  And she does it without passing judgment.  The fact is that there isn't a one-size-fits-all magic solution for getting your baby to sleep.  There are lots of theories and parents need to figure out what works best for their family.  Sleep Solutions for your baby, toddler, and preschooler is an ideal tool to help parents do that.

Monday

Yesterday I put Genoa in the bouncy chair to watch Teletubbies and it was even better baby crack than Baby Einstein.  Alex was cruising around wearing the Bumbo seat as a hat and I bet you can already guess where this is going.  I was in the kitchen attempting to make a meal plan for the week and I heard the bump and then the scream and by the time I was around the corner, Alex was already sitting on his naughty spot awaiting his punishment.  Genoa had a big red mark on her forehead and Alex was banished to his bedroom for over an hour.

Then, after everyone was settled and I let Alex out of his dungeon, we took a shower.  Genoa started screaming from the door jumper half-way through and continued to scream/fuss/whine for almost two hours.  It was the milk-allergy scream, but I knew dairy wasn't the problem since it was noon and I hadn't eaten a single bite yet.  Then it occurred to me that I wasn't exactly sure when she'd last pooped.  On Thursday, when it had been a week since her last bath, I remember thinking, I bet she'll poop today, so I'll just wait until that's over before I give her a bath.  Then I bathed her on Saturday even though she still hadn't pooped.  My guess is her last one was Wednesday.  FIVE days ago.

Am I the world's worst mother or what?  I'm already using TV as a babysitter and I can't even remember to BATHE my daughter, much less pay attention to her obviously distressed bowels.  Needless to say, I gave that girl a suppository and she blew out her diaper in under five minutes.  I swear I promise to change my ways - I'm going to start marking her bathing and crapping schedule on the calendar.

Just to keep this post from getting too sucktacular, I should note that the sex-streak continues.  I have no idea how or why and I keep thinking we're too old for this, but it's like a second honeymoon.  Well, it's like a honeymoon at home, no where near the beach and with extra emphasis on the shushing so we don't wake up the children.

Can I get an AMEN?

I've been starting my day with a deliciously petite bowl of Golden Grahams, aka Food of the Gods.  I realize I'm not exactly part of General Mills' target 'Crammed with Graham' audience, but I swear that shit is life-affirming.  I'm now on an official mission to ingest dairy every single day for the rest of my life.  It's better than yoga. 

Goldie the fish is doing well, which is to say that she is still alive.

The Petsmart people made it clear that Betta fish are incredibly difficult to kill, so at least she has that going for her.  I'm actually enjoying her, even if she is a big of a regurgitator.  All that crud at the bottom of her bowl is food she ingested and then spit out.  Well, that and her crap.  We've only had her a handful of days and she already needs a water change.

The exercise thing actually seems to be helping in the Alex department.  We went to Jim & Morgan's yesterday afternoon and he and Katie managed to play for about five hours without getting into any trouble.  No one cried!  I credit the success to the fact that we took him to the park beforehand and he had a nice short nap.  I guess this is what happens when you make sure your kid's day is actually FUN instead of dragging him along while you run a bunch of errands.  Even I think errands are boring. 

We've also had some fun making ghosts together.  Everyone's favorite is the adorable evil cyclops:

And it probably hasn't hurt that Dave and I are getting along better and trying REALLY hard not to bicker in front of the kids.  Two weeks ago I could barely stand to look at the man and now I find myself actually liking him every once in a while.  We're all consenting adults here, so I guess I can share that the secret of our success is simply the amazing, marriage-healing powers of sex.  Nap-time-sex, get-to-work-late-sex,  let's-put-the-kids-to-bed-early-sex and my favorite, the-kids-both-slept-in-on-Sunday-morning-sex.  Forget couples counseling, self-help books or even reaching out to god; all it takes to save a marriage is a reach into each other's pants.