The Unbearable Fatness of Being

Four years ago today, I was under the knife having my plumbing rearranged by a highly skilled surgical team.  I don't talk much about it, but having Gastric Bypass surgery saved my life and was probably the best decision I've ever made. 

I have pretty strong feelings about obesity, particularly when it comes to diets and how they absolutely do. not. work.  Sure, there are hundreds of ways to lose 100 pounds, but surgery is the only way to keep them from coming back.  Diets have a failure rate of 90-95% within three years.  Surgery has a failure rate of 20-25% after TEN YEARS.  Perhaps it was the statistics lover in me that made the decision so easy. 

Dr. Phil will tell you that you just need to get to the root of your issues and the weight will magically disappear and that may very well be true.  But I fear that a hell of a lot of fat people will die before they ever figure it out for themselves.   Either that or they'll lead miserably depressed lives.  I still don't really know why I let myself get so fat and some day that may come back and bite me in the ass.  I just figure that if that day ever comes, it will be a lot easier for me to deal with whatever my issues are when I'm not in a body that suffocates me.

I have to admit that living in my new body is pretty strange.  On the one hand, I am no longer fat (and by "fat" I mean fat by fat people standards, not by thin people standards).  On the other hand, gastric bypass surgery isn't brain surgery and I'm still very much in possession of a fat girl's brain.  I still think about food all the time and I still eat the very same crap that got me fat in the first place.  The difference is that now I have a "full button"; I know when to stop eating.

My new body also makes my interaction with obese people kind of weird.  I TOTALLY empathize with anyone who carries around an extra 100 pounds every day.  It sucks hard.  Before my surgery, I had to answer this questionnaire and one of the questions was "What's the worst part about being obese?"  I answered, "What's the worst part about being mauled by a bear?"  NOTHING about being fat is good - not even having  the freedom to eat whatever you want, because every bite just makes you hate yourself that much more. 

So I definitely feel for anyone suffering in their own body like that.  But I also just want to shake them and say DO THIS!  IT WORKS!  IT'S LIKE MAGIC!  But no one likes an evangelist, so I keep my mouth shut.  I just wish I could let people know how absolutely freeing it is to walk into a restaurant, order the thing I REALLY want and never beat myself up about being ON my diet or OFF my diet because I can just STOP EATING when I'm full.  Sure, I could be a size eight some day if I DID restrict my choices, but frankly, it's not worth it to me and that's not why I had surgery in the first place.  I just wanted to get under 200 pounds so I could start ovulating again and have babies. 

So that's where I am.  I LOVE my new body, even with all of it's flaws - the baggy skin, the stinky belly button, the old stretch marks running everywhere I wish they wouldn't.  Of course I still want to have plastic surgery to get rid of some of my excess flesh, I'm only human, but I don't have to suffer through life thinking, "I'll be happy when..." 

I'm happy now.

Comments

[David]

All I can say is that you were a beautiful fat girl too.

[Chase]

Awesome post - and good for you! How many women, big or small, would EVER say "I love my body"? Not very many.

How inspirational!

[Kathryn]

Thank you so much for sharing this, Amanda. I was never heavy enough to be a candidate for RNY, but I did gain about 60lbs in three years in highschool that made me a totaly headcase (I am 5'5"). Even now, 4 years after I lost almost all the weight and am back to a "normal weight", I still feel fat. I don't think people who have been thin their whole lives can really understand what it's like to be obese.

I wish people spoke up more about their experience with RNY surgery so that people who could benefit from it realize that it is an option and it isn't giving in. It's getting your life back.

Thanks again.

[Heatherg]

I dont know much about the surgury and i dont think i am a candidate being 40 pounds over weight, but how do you know when to stop eating?

I ask because I wish i knew when to stop eating.

Forgive my ignorance, and i should google all this, but someone giving you their personal experience is much better!

Thanks for being so honest.....

[Dee]

A good friend of mine had Gastric Bypass surgery a few years back (before I knew her). I don't think she's ever regretted that decision. I've lost almost 50 pounds in the last year (80 if you count the baby weight) and even though I feel better, I don't quite love my body yet. I am definitely getting closer though. I love being able to go clothes shopping, pick something up off the rack in my size and have it actually fit! I'm currently on Weight Watchers and struggling, but all it takes is a look in the mirror to realize that it is all worth it.

[Tasha]

Wow what a story. I am currently 100 pounds over weight and as always battleing with it. To here a "real" person talk about the surgey is great encouragement. Thanks!

[Mocha]

You're so beautiful. I know I said that to you when I saw your "outsides" and I coveted your hair and face and baby...

But truly, when you spent that time with me? And wanted to sit by me? I felt like I was in high school and found a great friend who wanted to be near me. I saw something on the "insides" of you that attracted me to you and made me not want to leave your side.

After reading this, I think perhaps it was your bravery that I loved.

[Wendy Mac]

I'm someone who needs to lose 130 pounds... and I struggle every day with my body issues and my food issues... The nice thing is that I have a family who loves me no matter what, I just have to figure out for myself where I belong. No, I don't want to be a size 8 either, I was happiest at a size 12... but I WOULD love to be back to a size 16 again.

That would be fantastic... but I'm a needle phobic person, too. I've tried Weight Watchers with some success, but mostly I've found it's the stress in my life that creates this problem for me. Take away the stress, and I lose weight.

So it's a very complex issue. And I have to say, you are beautiful at any weight- you are my favorite-est blogger of all, because you have a beauty about you that radiates all the time. I wish you could be my friend in real life :-)

Thank you so much for sharing this, greatly appreciated...

[poobou]

This is an awesome post. I had my 4-year gastric bypass anniversary this past May. I lost a little over 100 pounds. Now that I'm pregnant for the first time in my life, I'm not that scared of gaining weight, but I am absolutely terrified of whether or not I'll be able to lose it after the baby is born.

I can only hope to look half as gorgeous as you after two kids. :-)

[TQL]

I've struggled with my weight for sometime and am finally going to the Weight Management/Bariatric Clinic here. While I do not think I am a candidate for gastric bypass, I definitely need a more medically managed approach to weight loss.

Your honesty is encouraging. Thank you for sharing!

[jess]

Wow, what an incredible story. It's so easy to see that you are happy and confident it comes across in this totally natural and inspiring beauty.

Really.

Hot mom. You.

[Jem]

My sister had the operation as well, and now she's way thinner than me. I'm not quite big enough to have the operation but sometimes I wish I could have it anyway.

[Erin]

You're so strong and so REAL, Amanada. I love you! And I second Dave: you're really truly beautiful no matter what you weigh!

[Erin]

Amanananananananananada.

There. That's better.

[Zeb]

Diets do not work. What works is eating fresh food and exercising. It's not some great mystery. People used to be thinner because they didn't eat so much crap and they exercised. I'm not saying that genetics doesn't also play a part, but by and large, if we all ate properly and exercised, it would be a lot easier. I'm amazed at all the processed junk food I see in people's grocery carts all the time. Is it lack of knowledge about healthy food choices? Laziness? Addiction to junk food? Don't know, but the answer is there.
I'm glad that surgery worked for you, but I hope people realize that it's *major* surgery with its own list of risks and is not the cure all for everyone.

[Lauren]

You were beautiful. You are beautiful. That is all!

[Michelle]

this brought tears to my eyes. I go under the knife in October and my God, am I excited/happy/nervous but mostly relieved!

[Karl]

Great story, thanks for sharing. Very cool that you're so happy now.

[Rachel]

You are a beautiful person and you have a beautiful family and I could not be happier for you and for the others in the world who this surgery has worked for.

However, and I hate to do it, but I must... to anyone out there who tries, please don't ever try to talk someone into the decision to have this surgery. It is a decision that a person has to make for themselves. To research and to have the knowledge of what they are doing. It was four years ago that you had your surgery and in those four years the statistics of this surgery have been publicized. 1 in every 200 people die from this surgery and nearly 40,000 sued for some type of malpractice last year alone. My aunt who had her surgery in November of 2003 was one of them.

They thought her surgery went incredibly well until days later when symptoms started occuring. Long story short, she spent the next 6 months of her life in the hospital, 4 of those in the ICU in a coma. She missed Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter and almost missed her daughter's wedding.

She was only 45, she was heavy, she NEEDED the surgery. But it's cost her SO much in the long run. Here almost three years later they finally sewed up the opening in her abdomen they used to drain her stomach. She lost the weight yes, but anyone would if they couldn't eat food for a year. It's been horrible. She still can't eat without feeling ill and she still has a lot of trouble.

So please, please tell your success story. Wear your beauty proudly *I thought you were beautiful before by the way* but pleases don't promote this surgery as the only way to go. It isn't always successful and many people don't know the great risks that are involved.

[Sheryl]

I wonder if in 50 years this kind of surgery will be commonplace. In a culture where high fat and sugared foods are so prevelent, and everyone drives everywhere, and sits all day, maybe humans will change our bodies to adapt.

You were very nice looking then, and of course you are now as well.

Do you exercise? Did you still experience a huge change in your energy level after dropping the weight?

As you know, I'm still keeping surgery in mind, so thanks for writing about it.

[Carrie]

Thank you for sharing your story. I was thinking of having the surgery a couple years ago, but then our third baby arrived (all adopted) and I just didn't see how the recovery would work into a 2.5, 1 and newborns lives. So, I didn't have it, and now we don't have insurance that will cover it. But, for some strange reason, I suddenly stopped eating all the time as well. My husband is still planning on having the surgery at some point, when we get better insurance. So, thank you for sharing your experience. It is nice to hear about someone else who has had the surgery. We have a couple friends who have had it, and are waiting to see one friend who has lost the weight, had the plastic surgery and is now healed from that. Hoping to see her soon.

[jessica fantastica]

Thank you. :o)

[joaaanna]

Could you direct me to your story about the surgery? Does insurance pay for anything? What is the cost? I'm sure I would be a candidate for this surgery and desperately need it. I'm too afraid and embarrassed to ask anyone.

[poobou]

I'm not trying to start any type of comment war or anything, but to the person who pointed out the statistic that "1 in 200 people who have the surgery die"... That's also the exact same statistic for anyone who goes under general anasthesia for any reason. Look it up.

Joaaanna, go look at obesityhelp.com. There are some great resources there.

[Rachel]

No problem poobou. No war, you can point out the statistics, though I couldn't find that one. The two that I found were 11 & 16 in 100,000 deaths under general anesthesia.

This site (a site about gastric bypass surgeries) basically states that it is the riskier than much more complicated surgeries and there are more deaths/surgery than in any other more complicated surgery.

I really was just pointing out that a lot of individuals (I know many of them) decide that they want the surgery without knowing the risks. I just think that when anyone promotes the surgery it's also incredibly important to remind people that it's not for everyone, it's very risky and to please read up first.

I really didn't mean to cause trouble. If you feel that the surgery is for you then go for it.