Weighing in

Gah.  That title reminds me SO MUCH of Weight Watchers meetings. If you want to torture me, take me to a WW meeting.  I still have nightmares about them.

But this whole "False Advertising" thing has gotten everyone's panties in a bunch and since fatness is one of the subjects on which I could write a book (or three), I figure I better weigh in (har har har).   Seriously, you will have NO IDEA what I'm talking about in this post unless you start here.

Basically, the internets are ablaze with controversy over whether or not married women owe it to their husbands to stay thin, meaning at or near what they weighed on the wedding day.  I've mostly stayed out of this debate because for one thing, even at 8 months pregnant I'm still a good 20 pounds under my wedding day weight and also because my response to the issue has nothing to do with the issue itself.  When MIM says,

"Look, my point is, I work to maintain my figure for myself and my husband. If I had been 160 pounds when we married that would one thing. Then it would be totally unreasonable for him to want me to be 120 pounds. But it would be false advertising if he'd married his 120 pound girlfriend and ended up with a 160 pound wife."

My reaction is ON WHAT PLANET IS 160 POUNDS FAT?!?!?  Poor Dave has NEVER had a 160 pound wife and I hope for his sake that he never has a 120 pound wife since that would mean I was dead.  I completely can't relate this debate and keep thinking to myself that these women have no concept of the word "FAT".  Fat is when you can't see your own feet and when you can't wipe your own ass, not when you've gained 30 or 40 pounds and your size 8's no longer fit.  It just PAINS to me to read about how all of these totally HEALTHY (not to mention FOXY) women are worried and upset and have lost their self-esteem because they aren't living up to their own ridiculous ideals about weight.  Really.  It's starting to get pathetic.  And my ability to empathize with them is dwindling the more I read - I just wish these women could really see how beautiful they are.

I think I summed up my response to the whole husband thing in a comment I left on Cecily's blog:  "for [these women] wearing a size 12 is like a death sentence and for me it's a f**king party. And they wonder why their husbands are complaining!" 

I also have the benefit of viewing this argument from the other side, seeing as I am (or was up until I became Preggo the Manatee) basically at a normal weight (by my standards at least) and my husband is still, well, not.  And yes, I do want my husband to lose weight.  But it has nothing to do with what he LOOKS like or what kind of arm-candy I want to carry around.  I want him to be healthy and happy with HIMSELF.  If he's a grump at his current weight (which OMG HE TOTALLY IS) then I feel like I'd be remiss if I didn't at least encourage him to eat healthier and try to get some exercise.  If he was happy with his current weight (and healthy), then *I* would be happy with his current weight.  And that's all I think we owe our spouses - we need to be good enough for ourselves before we can be good enough for them. 

Comments

[rachel]

I had a similar reaction: it's only "false advertising" if you were too goddamn skinny to begin with. If you're maintaining an unsustainable skinny, well, sooner or later something's going to give. You've given your partner unrealistic expectations.

And size 12 is fat? Wow, I've been fat since jr high! And yet other women are always telling me I'm skinny! Must be an optical illusion caused by my lack of boobs!

[hydrogeek]

Amen sista! Seems like Rachel and I are both 'skinny' size 12's. Go figure.

[Rayne of Terror]

I was hoping you would write about this because I was starting to think it was a California thing and that me sitting here in central Illinois just couldn't grasp how a size 12 or 160 lbs was fat. 160 was my lowest adult weight and I felt freaking fantastic! I looked so good and felt so good I actually stopped traffic one night.

Today is my 29th birthday and I'm starting WW in order to become a healthier size. Everyone said breastfeeding would do it, but I really have just yo-yo'd around the birth weight for 14 months. I don't want to start my 30s feeling bad about myself. Oh, and I'm not doing this for anyone's conception of hotness but my own. I mean fer real, I go to school with 23 year olds every day who have hours to go to the gym and shop, I just want to feel good mentally and keep up with my toddler physically.

[jenB]

i haven't commented or said anything about it for similar reasons. that and i am too busy to make a good post about it. thanks for sayin' somethin'.

xo

[Rebecca]

love your blog. you crack me up. i was coloring my friends hair one day and we started talking about being overweight and she brought up the topic of ass wiping difficulty. well i frikin' laughed so hard that i fell to the ground and very nearly peed my pants, ok maybe i did. i didn't think anyone else had the same thoughts. i read the comments on suburbanbliss today about the "false advertising" i have always been a big girl so there is not surprise to my husband...but he would like to seem me healthy and happy. it is especially difficult since he runs marathons and does triathlons. he's a very fit metro-guy not unlike melissa's logan.

thanks for being a forum for venting.

Rebecca

ps i might be persuaded to trade in one of my twins if i could weight 160 gah! ;)

[kalisah]

I just want to point out that I'm barely 5'2 so 160 pounds or a size 12 would definitely qualify me as overweight.

Maybe not as large as you've been in the past, but "fat" nevertheless.

I think what you're saying is right, and I despise the popularity of the ridiculously skinny as well(I totally blame the girls on Friends). I understand where you've been and you can definitely share a perspective that others maybe can not. But I don't think it's fair to generalize what constitutes "fat" for everyone.

And I have to say one more thing that peeves me - I hate when a woman says "I feel fat." FAT IS NOT A FEELING.

[Mocha]

I'm so glad you said that because I was biting my tongue (ummm...fingers?) on that whole issue and wanted to slap people. Or at the very least SIT on them to really feel the weight.

I'll tell you what I wouldn't bother telling them (are you rolling your eyes yet?) and that's this: I feel rather lucky to be from a culture where meat on your bones is not only appreciated, but a sign of beauty. As a black woman (though, ask me any other given time and I'll just admit to being mulatto) I like my hips, my ass, my legs. They are REVERED in my culture.

Man, that felt good to get off my chest.

http://mocha-momma.blogspot.com

[Wendy Mac]

I am fat. More than 100 pounds overweight fat. I have been super-skinny, and everywhere in-between. I have been a Weight Watchers success story (and a "failure" story).

My husband married me fat. Together we have dieted, exercised, and bemoaned our fatness and inability to turn it in to skininess. He has loved me skinny (well skinny-er) and he has loved me fat. Ditto me for him.

It has never changed how much we love each other. But it always has been each other's health we worry about. We want the best for each other.

And, my husband is not an anomaly. I get hit on from time to time by men (skinny men!), I've never been without attention, "skinny" or "fat".

Now, granted, that is not to say I "enjoy" being fat. And I certainly haven't enjoyed this thread, it's made me pretty upset.

I'd do anything to be back to a size 12, and hearing from so many people how fat they are at size 12, well, I say thanks to them for making me feel like crap. Also, I'd like to see how well they fare when they're 50, 60, 70, and 80. At some point, all of that BS about how we look has got to frickin' stop! There's more to worry about in life.

Thank you! You're awesome!

[Shannon]

Your thoughts make the most sense of any I've read on this hot topic (I've only mildly been following along).

I'm not married yet, but I think the whole idea of 'false advertising' is silly. You don't pick someone with a body that you like and then get married to it. Just because you look one way when you happen to fall in love and get married, doesn't mean you'll look that way forever. And nobody should expect you too.

What you said about health being the most important thing when it comes to weight and body size is right on. Thank you for your perspective!

[Elizabeth Jones]

Yeah, size 12 would be awesome.

[Mary]

"I just wish these women could really see how beautiful they are."

Word.

That's the saddest part about the original post and its aftermath.

[jennyonthespot]

It's all about health these days. My husband's dad is sickly-diabetic. Near death. Adult onset. He's 56. I have heart disease for family history. I've always battled with being "heavy" (since 2nd grade). You know, "Pretty Plus" as an adolescent at JC Penny's...

A a mom, I want my cildren to be healthy (not thin). I don't want them to look to food for comfort, esteem, yadda, yadda. I want to have a healthy body (as far as I can control) for my children. I am not there yet. I have had moments. For me it's cutting the lifelong patterns my mom taught me and becoming a healthier example for my kids - so when they're 50, their bodies aren't acting like they're 90 - as is the case of my father-in-law...

[poobou]

I read all the threads on this topic last week and ended up all in a twitch about it because I couldn't quite put words to my feelings. I still don't think I can, but here goes:

My husband met me a couple of years after my gastric bypass. I was a size 12 then, and I'm a size 12 now. Even though my weight's been stable for a while, I do have a fear of being overweight again, just because I struggled with it for so damn long. (For example, we're trying to get pregnant now, and oh god what if I can't lose the weight after we have a baby?) I know my husband loves me unconditionally, and any concern he'd have about my weight would be a concern for my health, and wouldn't have a thing to do with my appearance.

So yeah, I suppose I'm also looking at it from a different perspective because I've never been the super-skinny girl, and I know I never will be. I'm fine with that, and so is my husband. Still, this whole topic just leaves me with a knot of anxiety in my stomach, and I can't put my finger on exactly why. I hate that.