Mandajuice

What if?

What if even though you were still nursing, you were all smart and careful and made sure to take your pills everyday just in case? What if you missed your period? And it was, like, two whole weeks late? And what if you went down to Walgreens on your lunch break and got one of those tests for $12.99? And you rushed home after work and took the test first thing when you walked in the door?

And what if even though the timing would be AWFUL and you didn't feel the least bit ready and you were really, REALLY hoping it was a false alarm? And it was? What if you were disappointed anyways?

This totally made my day

I'm the second question.

A Giant Douche or a Turd Sandwich?

Ain't tv great in the Fall? (Wow. I can actually SEE my husband rolling his eyes back into his head as he reads this? He hates EVERYTHING I watch on TV. And since he ONLY watches FoxNews (and the Wings channel), the feeling is mutual.):

If "Biggest Loser" isn't the best argument for gastric bypass surgery, seriously, I don't know what is. These poor, poor people are literally busting their asses, working out all day with a trainer screaming in their ears, while barely eating anything ON TELEVISION! And they manage to squeek off, what? 3 friggin pounds the second week?? Hello and welcome to my world, ages 15 through 26. It's almost painful for me to watch that show. It brings me right back to those days when I felt so disillusioned and overwhelmed that I just wanted to say screw it and drown my sorrows in a pint of Hagen Daas. Or three.

The next one my husband will actually appreciate - Mr. Pants loooouves him some South Park. Every time the theme comes on he toddles on up to the gate in front of the TV and shakes his wittle bootles. I could just eat him up. So? Last night when he shook his buns to the South Park rendition of P. Diddy's "vote or die, biotch!"? I almost died laughing. And when they manage to mock BOTH hip hop AND Peta in the same episode? I'm so there. That show never gets old.

Lost is another new favorite. But don't tell me what happened this week!!! It's TIVO'd and I'm saving it to savor at a later date. Although I keep worrying that Bailey is just going to go right off the deep end while his big brother is stranded. Damn, I miss that show.

And finally a comment about my boobs - the girls officially have a name. In a futile attempt to calm the crazies out of the child before bed last night, I yanked up my shirt to see which one he wanted. (Boys can be particular about their milk.) Instead, he pointed to one and then the other while repeating "ma ma! ma ma!" over and over with a giant grin on his face.

So? All this time that I thought he was lovingly calling my name? He just wanted me for my tits.

Typical.

Diet Schmiet

If while driving home from work you notice that your mouth is all hurty and raw-like and you can't figure out whether it was caused by a) the entire box of Milk Duds, b) the half-bag of chips, or c) the multiple fistfuls (fistsful?) of Mike N Ike's you ate, it may be time to reevaluate your diet, no?

Says she with donut breath...

You know where you can kiss me

So my loyal readers (all two of you) have been giving me a hard time about the navy blue comment and I thought I'd shed some light on the many reasons why this color sits high atop my shitlist.

I have spent most of my adult life weighing over 200 lbs. And when you are not thin, you basically have two fashion statements available to help minimize the enormosity of your backside: black and navy blue. So. Being the good shopper, I heavily invested in these two ass-slimming colors. I had entire suit collections in each palate with matching accessories, purses, socks, shoes and even coats. I was Mary McMatchypants from Matchytown. It was lovely.

Reason number one: I am not a morning person. This means that by the time I got to work, woke up, and had time to look down, it was already too late to go home and change my shoes, which NEVER ended up matching the suit I was actually wearing.

Reason number two: I hate suits. Every time I wear navy blue, I am reminded of my navy blue suit ensembles and that job that required suits. Even now, the thought of it makes me want to vomit, just a little.

Reason number three: I am poor. If I were to go out now and purchase even ONE navy blue item, I would be required, by the first law of fashion, to also purchase matching shoes, socks, purses, accessories and even another coat. Screw that.

Reason number four: I am no longer (quite so) fat. And while I still enjoy any fashion with ass-minimizing benefits, I don't feel quite so limited anymore. My ass appears to be of normal size in most colors with the distinct exception of white. If you happen to be one of the three living people whose ass actually does look good in white, well, you know where you can kiss me.

Reason number five: Black is the new black. Need I say more?

Ventification

I am working on the big weekend update post, but in order to avoid blowing a gasket, I need to vent:

My boss (not the usual, understanding, confident one, but the new one) is driving me apeshit crazy. Seriously. She needs to get a grip. She has this presentation to give tomorrow. A teeny, tiny, ten minute presentation during which she's on a panel of three other CPAs, easy audience, yada yada yada. It's the kind of thing that if it were me, zero preparation would be necessary. Ten minutes? I can talk for ten minutes about the hang nail on my pinky toe, for god's sake. This "project" was really never worthy of my time. At all.

So, last monday she adds to my task list "presentation assistance" and claims it'll take an hour or two of my time. Fine. No problem. I can kiss butt with the rest of them. But two hours has turned into over ten and I ended up working from home Thursday night AND came in TWICE on Friday, MY DAY OFF, to help her with this. (Which, btw, she's only using as back up information to verify her assumptions, she's not even going to present my work).

So? Still smiling, I hand over the final presentation late Friday afternoon and figure it's over and done with. And thanks, by the way, because now I have more work to do Monday than I usually do in a week, you know, since I had to sideline everything for this project.

So you can imagine how happy I was today to get a call, from Las Vegas, saying she needed me to fax her about 10 more charts and graphs AND that she thinks I might have entered the wrong returns on one of the scenarios because, and I'm quotting here "maybe you missed something when Alex was there distracting you on Friday."

Yes, $%#$, Alex was here "distracting" me on Friday, BECAUSE IT WAS MY DAY OFF. But, now that the evil terrible toddler distraction we all tolerated on Friday (which, btw, consisted of him napping the entire time) has been removed, lo and behold, there are STILL no errors. I swear, I just want to grab this woman by the shoulders and shake some frickin confidence into her! She's been doing this crap for over 10 years, has a CPA, MBA, CFP and about 5 other designations that I don't even understand. SHE KNOWS HER ASSUMPTIONS ARE CORRECT. She really never needed me to verify them for her. She's just nervous.

I think next time she asks for "presentation assistance", I'm going to really help her out. By saying "no."

Last Weekend - Update

Dang. I can't believe it took me so long to post this. Here are the highlights:

1) Finally dropping that $140 at JC Penny's photo studio. We await the cuteness with baited breath.

2) IKEA shopping with Mr. Pants and his Grandma on Friday. Meatballs were mmmm, mmmm gewd. Grandma's veggie roll? Not so good in either direction. Is it weird that every time we shop there, I feel compelled to sing the following line to the tune of the love boat them? "I-Keee-ahh, soon we'll be buying a lot of craaap."

3) Finishing (almost) an entire cheesy romance novel while I sat on the front lawn for the supposed "community-wide garage sale" Saturday morning. I made a whopping 50 cents! But it was $10 to participate, so it ended up costing me as much as a movie. But I got to read. Alone. In the cold. With hives (even though I'd already taken my magic pill). Yeah. Definitely worth ten bucks.

4) Feeling ever so square at a birthday party for my high school friend Sunshine's 7 year old. Gage is lucky to have such a cool mom. Alex had a blast in the bounce house until he melted down into a pool of toddler naptime despair and we had to leave.

5) The two hour nap Alex and I took afterwards.

6) Talking about boobs/the horros of gravity/men and old, OLD friends with my gal pals while drinking rounds of cosmos sent over by Brad, one of our 8th grade crushes (not mine). Every evening venture into Los Gatos is a trip down memory lane. I ALWAYS see people I knew in high school.

7) Dude, those people actually recognize me again. Not being fat anymore and all.

8) New tires + new coat = Sunday shopping smackdown! And I'll have the credit card bill to prove it.

9) Finding that the usual "dirty hippie corner" of Winchester and Stevens Creek had miraculously transformed itself into a mob of hyperactive BUSH supporters. I wonder how the regulars like peace-sign-flag-guy and crazy-flush-Bush-tie-dye-lady felt to hear lane after lane of cars honking for Bush!

9) Finding the following e-mail in my inbox: "How was our cute little "Awesome-O 4000 Super Bootock Nuggler with Kung Fu Action Grip" this morning?"

Meme Time

Name 3...

1. Pet Peeves: people who drag their feet (especially in flip-flops), when people don't replace the thing they took the last of (tp, shampoo, etc), clutter

2. Favorite Sounds: my son's laughter, the ocean, my husband's siren noises

3. Favorite Flavors of Candy: Mike N Ike's, Milk Duds, Mini Heath Bars

4. Biggest Fears: anything bad ever happening to my child, my husband dying or getting into a car wreck, my parents/siblings getting sick/dying

5. Biggest Challenges: maintaining my weight, fighting off lead-butt, getting through my to-do list

6. Favorite Department Stores: the Target on Saratoga Ave, the Target on Camden Ave, the Target on California Street

7. Most Used Words: actually, seriously, "no"

8. Favorite Pizza Toppings: cheese, pepperoni, mushrooms

9. Favorite Cartoon Characters: Cartman, Chef, Beavis

10. Movies Recently Watched: The Last Samurai, The Girl Next Door, Monster

11. Favorite Fruits: canned peaches, ripe fresh strawberries, bananas

12. Favorite Vegetables: peas, green beans, broccoli

Why I love my husband...

Marriage via e-mail, act one:

Husband: Hi Moo. Regarding the below message (one his long, lost cousin's mother passed away), do we have an appropriate sympathy card? I'll pick one up if not. Hope your day is going well.

Wife: I'm going to Target on my lunch break, so I'll pick one up. Anything else we need there?

H: Get me a new job.

W: I can just imagine you in a red shirt and khakis putting hotdogs onto that little rolly cooker thing. Your job isn't THAT bad.

H: Are you kidding? I daydream of a job where I meticulously tend to delicate preparation of all beef hotdogs on a rolly cooker thing. Alas, I have missed my true calling.

I'd make a lousy comedian

Why do people feel the need to come up with lame small talk on the elevator? Yesterday on my ride down to the parking garage, I got stuck in there with this balding realtor in a fancy suit. First we discussed the weather, it's gonna rain, bla bla bla, yada yada yada, but he doesn't care because he and the wife are leaving for Hawaii tomorrow. They "get away" to the islands every few months for at least a week. And it's great, he tells me, because they have this little guy follow them around with a camera the whole time. This local Hawaiian dude even gets people out of their way on the beach by "clearing a path for them."

It took about ten minutes for me to realize that this may have been one of the strangest conversations of my life. They pay somebody to follow them around taking photos? Sorry, abnoxiously rich Mercedes-driving braggart, but hiring the paparazzi doesn't make you famous.

In other news, I realized yesterday that the fabulous jackety-shirt thing I yanked from my mom's closet was actually navy blue, not black. So, I'm sure I looked spiffy in my black pants, black sweater and NAVY patterned overcoat. Ain't that a fashion statement! I'm selling it at the garage sale this weekend so I won't make that mistake again. Navy blue is devil spawn, in any form.

Let's see, what else?

I saw a man driving a metallic purple Chrysler LeBaron convertible. Thinking about that guy entertained me for, like, half of my commute home. Gay? obviously, but where does he live? What is his house like? Does he have a LOT of cats? What if he's straight? Is it his girlfriend's car? His mother's? How whipped would a guy have to be to drive a purple car? Seriously.